Month One

Every month of the next nine, I am viewing the changes in my life as rebirthing myself. I have been reading What to Expect when Your're Expecting with that twist of a viewpoint.

This last month fits so perfectly with Month One in the book.

"Thought you almost certainly don't look pregnant yet, chances are you're already starting to feel it." Oh boy is that happening for me. Even though my life does not look different on the outside to others, I feel way different on the inside. I want to rearrange my house, wear different clothes and perfume even, I want to travel galore to places I have never been, and I want to clear out every closet and drawer and throw out everything I haven't used in the last two weeks. I want to speak differently, and less often, and I want to just be quiet. Quiet is sacred. It is where things are clear.

In this chapter there is also the question, "When should we tell friends and family that we are expecting?" and it is aswered, "This is one question that only you can answer." Thanks alot for that insight@!#

Also on the subject of fatigue, I have been reading that very close, as life seems to be too much as I am reinventing myself on the inside. This is truly hard spiritual work. I am taking that to heart that fatigue is a normal part of this process. I barely have the energy for cooking and cleaning and making shopping lists etc. I just want to paint and play and meditate.

So the book's advice is this: baby yourself. let others baby you. get more sleep. eat well. check your environment quality, and get some movement in. I have been working on all of those. Anything that feels like too much to do, I try and make it easier or eliminate the task all together. I have been looking at my work environment and seeing where I can make it "healthier" for me. I even warded off a gossiper the other day and told her I did not have time to talk about other people! She thought I was wack.

My morning sickness comes in the form of grunting when I realize I have to go to work. If it the weekend, I still get up at 5:45 no problem. I only have weekday morning sickness. Funny.

Then comes the best advice of all about stress. "My job is a high-stress one, I wasn't planning to have a baby now, but I got pregnant. Should I quit work?"

The advice: talk about it. do something about it and try to modify and cut back in areas that are not high priority. delegate to others.say no. sleep it off. wash it away with a warm bath. get away from stress temporarily. get away from stress permanently. I like the permanently part!!!

And then the kicker, "Remember, your stress quotient is only going to increase once the baby is born; it makes sense to try to learn how to handle it now." Que the music!

It brings me much relief that I don't have to have any answers all at once. They come in lessons as they need to at the perfect moment.

And today's lesson, I am going to the home of a new client. I was commissioned this week to do a piece for this man and his fiance's living room. I am meeting them at their condo, and it is with great pleasure that I will wear the new perfume that said "artist" to me. It is a chance to practice what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of artist will show up today to meet them? What kind of woman will be in there for me to meet, today. I am at least five different women from sun up to sun down, and I want to paint all of them! They all need to come to the party of this life of mine! What a Renaissance!

And the day that I am doing interior work just after telling a few friends about my dream with my friend Teri is not coincidence at all. Teri is with me. She may no longer be on this earth, but she still has her hands in it. I miss you, my friend. I know you are here and I miss you.

Chromo Bones

Chromo Bones is what is born out of giggling at the supper table at our house!
Brought to you by Hubby and Miniswirl!

Wind of Change

Today is a day where life feels full circle. Powerful. Clear. I am home sick from work today, but that does not stop the magic that is happening today.

Let me start back in time to 1992. When I was a young girl leaving high school, I wanted to go to college. My mother threw me out of the house for this. My last night in my small industrial town, I drove to the only body of water to find comfort. Lake North. Lake North was a man made lake in the midst of farm land. Less than beautiful, really, but it was going to have to do.

I took out a candy whistle pop and laid on the concrete ledge, and played music on the slide whistle. While the sun went down, I whistled "Wind of Change" by the Scorpions, and wept by myself. It would be the last night in the place I had grew up and spent my whole life. I was leaving the town that held memories of my father and people who knew him. I knew I had a lonely journey ahead of me to a new town where I only knew my boyfriend, but I knew I must go if my life was going to be better at all. I just knew that. I didn't believe it. I just knew it.

And needless to say, I have found a much better life. A life I am proud of. Even so, the dreams have always haunted me of how I was treated growing up. Nightmares of being held captive, being yelled at, being hit...I never seemed to escape it.

But last night, in moved a wind. I had a dream about my mother dominating me, as usual. But there was a different ending. I said No to her about something, and she did it anyways. This time in the dream, I had had enough.

I walked up to her and looked down her nose and robustly said, "I told you No. You continue, and you have gone too far. There was nothing about what I said that was unclear. Enough!"

She looked at me for a long, silent moment. The stern feeling changed into a mischievous humor "I can't believe you just said that" look with a crooked smile.

"Say it! Say it! Bring it on!" I screamed at her. I invited her feedback, as I was ready for battle.

She stared to cry and said back to me, "I don't know where you found this kind of strength. I just wish I had stood up to my mother this way."

She sat on a step stool and I consoled her while she cried. In the kitchen. The heart of the house. The heart of where all women come from.

And I have a feeling that my limited thinking days are over. I need more Kleenex. For the cold and for the tears of joy.

Reflective Glass

Today I enter this day more certain of one idea than any day before: There is nothing wrong with me. I am shocked to learn that there never has been. The way I have been viewed and treated by my family of origin was a Mistake in Identity. The way I was limited was untrue. My gifts to the world are endless.

I have been participating in a group titled Women Create since August. This place has made this transformation process available. And the women who have shown up there have added magic to my life.

We started by reading a book: The Five Wishes. The main idea is if your life were coming to a close, what would you regret not having done? Turn those five regrets into five positive affirmations of what you want in your life and speak it as if it were here now.

My five wishes were:

1. I make authentic choices in life that are right for me.
2. I am home in San Diego and I live in abundance.
3. My art grows and is full of joy and purpose. Working in a creative career with like minded people makes work fun and easy.
4. Making daily decisions from center creates peace, flow and playfulness.
5. I am comfortable and deeply connected in my chosen relationships where I am accepted just the way I am.

After this process, we looked at our limiting beliefs, and wrote down the reasons we tell ourselves why the wishes our out of our reach. Then test the validity of those. True? Or bullshit? My lists were full of straight out crap. I even bought a stack of post-its that say "TOTAL CRAP" and I created an artwork full of these post-its with all of the reasons why I can't live my dreams on them. Then I smeared them with paint and stamped an image of robots all over them. ( An inside joke at our house is that if something can't be explained, blame it on Robots! Dirty carpet must have been the robots:)

Then came the evening of Sculpting. I thought it would be so awesome, as art is my thing, right? It was awesome, but the art was in designing your life using the women of the group to sculpt your life and intentions right in front of you! I will have to do a whole post just on this experience. It was transforming.

But yesterday was the day it all changed for me. The exercise was to write down all of the negative chatter that comes when you approach your dreams. And it has been so loud for me lately. Write and write and write until the pen is empty. Then we had to read it to a partner using YOU in reading it as if you were saying it to them. Abusive, huh? The listener's job was to provide feedback as to what it felt like in the body as the words entered their ears.

No coincidence that my partner said the throat, the belly and the pelvis felt pain. I have been fighting health issues in those areas for years!

But the magic of my life was in the next step of this process. Standing in the center of the circle with all of these beautiful souls, you close your eyes and hold in your hands a piece of glass. With music playing, the women then whisper into your right ear, as it changes the connections in the brain to reprogram self-talk. They whisper words that explain their experience of you. The sacred whisper sounds as if it is coming from a higher place and you cannot distinguish a certain voice this way. This is what I heard:

"I experience you as a true artist. Every fiber of my being is saying that it makes sense that you go out and share with the world what you brought to it. You are moving colors. You are a creative fire that cannot be put out. Everything is going to be ok. You are an art rock star. You can do anything you want to do. People tried to hold you back. They blamed you for their shortfalls. But they were wrong. It was a Mistake in Identity."

I have never fallen to pieces as I did yesterday. It is a delightful kind of pieces. I feel as though some chunk of junk turned into space in my chest. If this is what people I have only known a few Saturdays can see in the true me, I can only trust that it is true. My part was to say, "I will remember." I promise I sure will never forget!

And how did they know that last year at Squam Art Workshops that I wrote a mission statement that said: I am a Bitchy Art Rock Star with no excuses working for the Greater Good? It must have stuck and grown if it is visible. Because when I wrote it, I felt the 'acting as if' part if it.

All I can say is that there is a sacred space around me today. I think I need to take some time away from work to process this week. I will make sure to do this to ensure my heart's safety.

And what a bonus that today is the kick off of The Artist's Way Blog group. There are seven of us.I feel that things will be shifting for everyone.

If you feel moved to join in, this post is the last call before registration closes. If you would like to be included, just leave a comment and include your email.

Green

This week I have been looking at life through a new filter: birth.

To say that "change" is in my life is risky. To say I am going to spring forth a new life is exciting! I still need a pocket full of sunshine and courage (and kleenex) to work with, however. I am the most scared I have ever been with this new growth stage. Partially because I will be taking risks, partially because I am daring to ask my dreams to reveal themselves, and partially because I am a person who thrives with structure.

Growing up in an abusive and explosive home, structure made me safe. It gave me a place to tip-toe and not set off a bomb. And I have come to realize that I still use structure to feel safe. A steady paycheck, a routine schedule everyday, labels to define who I am in this life as a "mother', a 'teacher', a 'wife', even the label 'artist'. gulp. that one is h.a.r.d.

And so who am I and what do I want to do with myself with the time I am gifted everyday?

That is why I started to read "What to Expect when You're Expecting". A playful way to look at rebirthing myself. It doesn't seem so scary for some silly reason. In fact, it is a creative way to get excited about making a change. Who doesn't love a new baby?

And using this as an analogy (BECAUSE I AM NOT PREGNANT) I have already found some good advice! Please read knowing that I understand what a blessing it is to be expecting, and I mean no dishonor to that gift of life.

• Start taking vitamins as soon as you think you are pregnant. Get good prenatal care.

• As soon as you see that pink line on the test, start acting pregnant. If you feel you may be a high risk case due to a history of miscarriage (my abandoned dreams), see your practitioner earlier. (I have already made an appointment with my life coach!)

• What is the key to lessening the toll that caring for your older child (the daily life) can take on your pregnant body? Finding more time to take care of yourself-an elusive goal, but one worth pursuing. Take advantage of any helper to lighten your load. (A Higher Power)
  

This is where The Artist's Way and the angels who surround joining in the process will aid in growing this new life.

So if you raised your hand in the air saying YES to The Artist's Way, I am anticipating starting next Sunday. I am looking into putting a group blog together where we all can be authors of posts, and all can comment on each author's posts. I will have you email me your contact information (email, phone #) and you will need an account with Blogger if you don't already. So far, there are five people joining.

And it is not to late to join in if you are feeling the pull. Just comment and you are in. Everyone is welcome!

Art Heart

I Ponder the Point of my Art in this Life at The Soundtracks To Life: From Audio to Visual show

I have been reflecting this past two days on my journey through this creative life, and I like what I see so far. I also realized that I have been talking about changing careers for three F*@#in' years. So I have decided I will not give up on myself again. This is it.

And it made me think about this particular art exhibit. The 5x5's were daily experimental art works that I decided to do after attending Squam last year. I had over 50 good ones to show at the gallery. I also did the Artist's Way process and heard lots of guidance from the Spiritual.

For example, when I was writing about how scared I was in my morning pages, my pen wrote back to me, "Why don't you just switch two letters around and change 'scared' to 'sacred".

And that is what is needed most in my life right now. The sacred. So I have decided to embark on The Artist's Way process again. It is a process that gave me such a safe place to cry and create and grow. If you would like to join in, just post here and we'll be a team. Sacred Circles.

Lastly, the soundtrack I aligned with the 5x5's at the show was Art. Click on the link if you would like to hear it.

Jump Off the Edge

Squam Lake, New Hampshire

So here I am again...thinking about making a career change...and I have decided. This will be my year. I thought it was last year, but I was too scared about finances and just not ready. But this decision has to be made in my heart.

So I have made that decision.

Last night I was talking to a friend about how I feel I married a career that has cheated on me, and who is not the career I married. I feel betrayed. I thought it was "forever".

And then I stared to talk about not being this scared since I had a baby. And having a baby you can't back out of it. But this decision I can chicken out of if the fear gets the best of me.

Then it dawned on me, why don't I look at this like re birthing myself? I am having a baby, and it is me! It's a girl! If I count down the months until school is out...NINE!

So I went to the local thrift store and picked up a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I want to approach this life change and use the book as an analogy of how to prepare myself for my new self. Doesn't that make it fun or what? (that is what I tell Fear, who has been sleeping in my bed, lately)

When I think back to what it was like to find out I was having Miniswirl, the thing I regret the most is my panic phase. And yet I have been in that phase again over this.( Seriously!!! Breathing spasms...tense jaw... digestive issues...must I go on?)

And after I found the book, I was wandering around like I love to do for inspiration. And I found a trampoline! I tried it with one foot only, at first. bounce. bounce. And then I whole-heartedly jumped on the thing among old luggage and sofas! A worker burst through the doors and told me to quit having so much fun!! Funny guy! I bought the damned thing and brought it home.

I am going to practice leaping on it like my friends Denise and Linda told me to!

Forest Fest to the Windy City

Squam has a magic just waiting for you in the woods.

The solitude I found in a walk Sunday morning told me all I needed to know.

A few days later I was off to meet the artist/performer/musician/muse I have been dreaming of.
I am the happiest I have been in a long time. A weekend with Hubby in Chicago.
This past few weeks have been so full and transforming, I have had a hard time wrapping my head and words around them. It has taken some time to settle in and absorb.

I was expecting pure bliss at Squam Art Workshops like I experienced last year. Instead, my plane tickets were changed, I missed my shuttle, our fire place back drafted, I got a bee sting in the hand OF ALL PLACES, and I just felt a rumble in my spirit. I was not myself. I felt like an injured wolf who wanted to run out away from the pack to heal a wound.

And what I discovered the wound is, is my job. I am beat down by the job. And this is not new. This is the whisper I heard last year. This year it is a thump in the head. I must listen before I get hurt!

The lovely Jenny Doh spoke to us about her life and journey to now. The strongest thing that helped me that night in the dark wooden playhouse, was her guilt for leaving a helping profession. That explained part of my hesitation. But more so, her talking about how art has saved her. I needed to remember that art will save me, too. Even if I quit my job, my art will save me.

I had a great time in all of my classes. I found my new addiction, hot wax! Judy Wise taught a class exposed me to a whole new expression. I will take photos and post about that, later, too.

But even more powerful was going to the Pink! concert in Chicago. I found out that the attributes I admire in her are accurate. And I realized that I possess these attributes, but I am not calling them forward. Watching her on stage changed something in me. It allowed me to claim myself. I am ready to come out of hiding on a whole nottha' lebel! HO * NUBBA * LEBELL!

Also, the way the stadium was filled by Pink and the opening band The Ting Tings, was mystical. The fact that just people with their instruments of choice can fill an entire stadium and light up that many people....it is just another reminder of what art can do. Make the art. Sing the song. Play until everyone has joy.... create until the cows come home ( I had to convince people at Squam that I do live in Nebraska, but do not live with cows and corn!!!)

I have never been more certain and more scared about my own truth. I am certain I must be an artist without the daytime gig. I am certain I want to walk away from my class room. I am certain I want to assert myself more. And I am scared of what that all means. As in the song Funhouse, "I'm crawling through the doggie door. My key don't fit my life no more. I'll change the drapes, I'll break the plates. I'll find a new place. Burn this F**ker down!" The anger is there as a change agent. There is a part of me that has been waiting far too long for this, and that part is so ready, she wants to tear it all down and piss on it!!!

And did I mention I got into a fight at the concert? Yeah. Totally out of character for me. I had to punch this woman three times to get her off of me. She was caressing my head and telling me how pretty I was. (Yes she was on something) She wouldn't let up and kept touching me and interrupting my party with Pink. ( I told Pink this would happen if she let other people come to my concert :) So what does all of that mean? I have been working on a Backbone. I think I found it.

S.A.W. Workshops or Bust!

Look out! Here I Squam!
See you in one week...

Wishes Do Come True

"Mama! Now I know what it feels like to fly!"
This is what she yelled as we cut the sky in half.
She has journaled and prayed for the ability to fly ever since she could write.
I told her to feel it in her heart so she would always remember...
Even if her feet were on the ground.
She closed her eyes and rode the rest of the ride taking it all in.
Oh, September is our month, Baby!

Art Show LifeForce

My early memories painted on 8-track cassettes: At the Start of Me

My Year-Long installation project: Conversations with Myselves Close-Ups to come...


How do you begin to describe a life altering weekend?

First, all of the work leading up to the opening of the show was more than anyone ever led on. He.
Just like having children, people know what is coming, but who is going to burst the new momma's bubble?The sleepless nights. Worrying about being enough. Getting things in order. Everything else on hold. And also like having a baby, IT IS SO WORTH EVERY LITTLE BIT!

The show opening was a great success. There were over 300 people there, and both my Hubby and I had a few sales. Not that that is what made it a success, it was all icing!

I am just so purely proud of myself for taking this on and getting through it all, and finding out I have this kind of show in me! A few veteran artists in the building commented how beautiful the show was, and that it is so not obvious that this is my first show. I am glowing!

A woman approached me with tear streaks on her face, telling me that the show was so moving, she couldn't stop crying. What a lovely thing for her to tell me that.

For the first time in my artistic life, I now understand why the Universe hands out talents. They are to be used to spread the joy, the laughter, the tears, the experience of just being alive. Being an artist is what I am meant to do. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I am home here.

And with that in mind, I am attracting the type of people who also believe in this message that art has a purpose. A woman who curates for a local hospice art gallery asked me and Hubby to exhibit there this winter. I was so delighted. I want my art to evoke a difference.

Comfort. Beauty. Escape. Inspire. Color. Peace.

My favorite part, you ask? Is when a man shouted, "Hey artist!" and I responded without hesitation..."Yes!" "Would you mind posing for a picture?"

Someone pinch me!

And now that life is back to not-so-busy, I can express myself here on a more regular basis. Relief.

The Nesting (Don't Panic) Syndrome

This last two weeks have been a whirlwind of back-to-school adjustments for me and the whole family. Even the dog wonders where we are all day long, poor thing. It has been full.

And with that is the change in location of my art studio. I have successfully moved all of my materials and furniture and art, but now it is in a large pile in an unfamiliar room and I have a show to put together in one more week. Did I mention I still need to finish two pieces?

So it is very fitting that there was a moment this week when my daughter was having feelings of frustration of "having to do so many things and school, and I don't get to rest like in summer" that I lovingly told her that was called stress, and the best way to deal with stress was to talk about it, ask for help if she needed it, and to make sure to shut the stress out and have some fun to blow it off. Rest is crucial.

So yesterday I sat in the sun for a while even though I have a million things to do. I lip synced to Pink and had a concert in the kitchen with Miniswirl, and I made time for some ice cream in the afternoon with the family.

I also had my first meeting with a group of sparkling women in Women Create. This is a group of women who have all come together seeking and willing to share the sacred process of growing. It is so powerful, I can't wrap words around it just yet, but I will.

Today I am heading to the mound in the studio to try to arrange my way back to "home" so I can rock and roll the rest of the art show pieces. Maybe I will have another sell-out concert.

The thing that is the most important here for me to remember is to enjoy all of this. I am lucky enough to have a studio "with a door" like I have been praying for. I am lucky enough to get to put on the first big show I have ever done with my Hubby and Michael Rhoades, which has been so fun, and I am lucky enough to have a life with everything that I need. The sun is just now rising and the sky is tangerine, the crickets are still chirping a song, and I am ready to greet the day. It doesn't get better than that.

"How about a latte, Shortie?" she said from the back of the room.

"Aww, shucks. You know me too well. Thanks Pink. But you shouldn't be serving me. You have a concert tonight."

Back in the Game

Fitting picture, since my school's mascot is a bear...hehe...

It was a hard start today at 5:30 am. I was getting used to waking at 7, and even though that still sounds early to the rest of the world, it is heaven to me.

I woke with a new spirit, though. As I was setting up my class room today, I felt different, too. My art has shifted, and the art I want to teach has shifted, and how I want my room to look has shifted. I didn't know it until today. It is a new way of showing up in the world, but it is still me. I'm sure that doesn't make much sense out loud, but changes are there and more is underway, I feel.

And to much my surprise, a new face in the building introduced himself to me as a student teacher. I wished him well and asked him what class room he would be in.

He said mine. Mine? MINE!@#????

I don't know where someone, ANYONE, talking to me would have worked best, but somewhere in the process of assigning him to me, and asking me first would have been nice.

So I smile and welcome him and let him know I wasn't aware he was coming, but assured him that he was in the right place. He seems nice, so I have decided to just be nice and teach...otherwise I will just get upset. Who needs that? Not me. But I do need to have a convo with people about what should happen the next time...oh boy...

The first day back to work reminds me that I love this role, but not all of the energy wasting that can happen with it. I am looking for answers and guidance about what to walk towards. My inner self has these wishes that I still need to chew on a bit. Clarity...

And so it goes...

Here are some photos of my third chair in the making. This one is maybe half way finished. I think I have two more solid wood burning/painting sessions to go, and it should be complete.

This chair is to symbolize my current self, and so it is more colorful and playful than the teen chair. They look like a little family!

These three chairs will be an installation at the Sound Tracks to Life show coming up soon. I am getting excited as it approaches. It comes at the busiest time of year for us, and I am saying, "Bring it on!" anyways.

I will be showing with Hubby, and another resident artist from the Hot Shops, Michael Rhoades. We will be an awesome team. I am having a good time, and plan to really celebrate this time in our lives. It all is just falling together so nicely.

I think back to being in High School, sitting in art class reading my Hubby's yearbook, and knowing that part of the reason why I loved him so much is because he understood the value of art. And here we are, 18 years later doing our first BIG art show together. Kleenex, please...

Ponderings

As summer is winding down, good thoughts are finding me.

How do I keep peacefulness when the busy schedule starts up again? How do I keep the slow pace? Choice. That is how. This slowing down has been so healing. I have been placing more fun in my life. More outings, movies, lattes and writing time, zoo trips, plans for travel next month. I even have plane tickets for two weekends in a row!!!!! Wheet-whew!

I have been enjoying life so much more lately. Sitting in the sunshine talking to my daughter, noticing little things in view as I drive around, and spending more time making art while getting ready for the art show in the next few weeks...eek! It is all so exciting. Dreams seem more possible, somehow. The shifts that my soul have been looking for the last many moons feel like they are arriving.

And then last night, the gentleman who ordered the custom journals came to pick them up. He loved them, he said, more than he thought possible. That's a compliment. Then he asked me if I would create the art for the cover of his next book that is in the works right now. Uhhh... Y.E.A.S!
Miniswirl insisted that we dance the happy dance in the dance circle I made in my art studio. So we boogie-ed a jig of glee together. What a special moment!

I was just telling a friend yesterday that my favorite way to share my art is when people come to me with an idea and I get to create something that matches up with that, including creative freedom. And here it is!

Then Hubby sends me an email of a job posting this morning, and it is a great fit! I think I will apply and see what happens.

I love teaching, see, and I would love to have a job that doesn't leave me feeling so drained at the end of the day. This job is for a non-profit Education Manager of a local art center. Both of my degrees is what they are looking for. Is this real?

Even if this job is not meant for me, it provides the sheer hope that there is something besides what I am doing now, which feels like I work against the current sometimes. It would be nice to be in the flow of things. Show me where the Yes People are, dear Universe. Lead me to the Yes People.

Today is one of the days that I wouldn't want to be anyone else. That is a miracle.

Join in, SweeEEET Lawd

El Dia de Chroma!

Can you mix languages when you title your blog entries? Of course you can!

I just wanted to again document for myself a day when things seem to come together so I can remember later...
There really are like-minded people out there ... the ones I was hoping to find.

A gentleman called me yesterday on the phone to tell me he was at my studio just then, and that he really admired the emotion and skill I put into my work. He was sincere and very complimentary, and then he ordered four custom journals for him and his family. He had such a lovely energy about him, and he was so kind and clear hearted. He told me he was a self-made published author. He is an artist of words! I love that! My heart just fluttered at the idea of someone liking my art for what it is.

All of this comes at just the right time. I have been questioning things about myself and my art, and if my art really matters to anyone but me. It is so personal and intense, I wonder if that is what people will enjoy or hate about it. Even so, it is worth making, but it is good to know that it can touch other people as well.

After all, I must live up to my Squam Mission Statement:
I am an authentic, bitchy art rock star with no excuses, working for the Greater Good.

This is such a good reminder that people can see who I am through my art. I am living this life today. I may juggle motherhood, a full time teaching gig, wife-i-tude, time for The Artist's Way, AND my art, and empty space for deeper thinking (+ latte), but it all balances out when I remember that I can't do it ALL in one day! But when I am consistent, things manifest.

So in practicing celebrating moments more, instead of glossing them over, I am happy today.
Strong feelings have been washing over me about finding room in my life for more art time, and less 9-5 job time, and this day is a signal to me that it is ok to have these feelings.

Maybe...just maybe...this World wants more art time for me, too. Gratitude flows through my heart and my hands.

Girlfriend Gratitiude (guyfriends, too)

Miniswirl and her best friend shopping and sharing moments

Friends make life lighter. I am grateful for my friends.

I have had coffee with old, dear friends this week, where I bumped into another girlfriend.

I went out for Chinese and ran into an artist friend that is very new. We ate lunch together.

The telephone and email connect me to two Squammie Sisters that I would trade my left hand for.

Someone I knew way back came to visit my studio and reminded me how far I have come from showing him my sketchbook out of the back of my car once eight years ago.

A former student got up the courage to approach me and ask if I was her teacher ten years ago...I was. We talked about life a little bit.

All of these situations this week have made me very aware that there is a place for me, and I am grateful for these connections.

I am opening up to the idea that my life is abundant in every way...

The Question is...

Cheryl Crow answered all of my questions...Love is all there is.

Stew Dee Oh E.O.

It has been a while since my last post, but with good reason. I took a vacation from regular life for a few days and just made art all day long. Partially to get ready for two shows, and mostly because I was thirsty for it. Hubby and Miniswirl brought me dinner one night and Hubby snapped these photos. He is such the right guy!

One of the works you see is a self portrait in progress from a photo of myself at 27, when I was pregnant with my daughter and did not know it yet. It really was the time I looked over my life and made decisions to become a better woman so I could be a good person to have as a Mom.

The circle shape is what I call my convo-rug for an installation piece that includes three chairs, and this "rug" will anchor them. Each of the three chairs represents a different age of myself and the conversation they would have if they all could share their wisdom with each other. I journaled on papers as each person, and collaged them together hoping they would look like a fabric quilted type of rug. Not too bad! Totally a product of working with The Artist's Way. Thanks Julia!

And the third photo shows me in my studio, sniff sniff, before the move at the end of this month. (if you look closely, you can see Miniswirl in the background working on her own projects! That is so exciting that she gets a first hand look at living your dream out loud!) The eight track tapes I am working on are for my September show called Soundtracks of Life: From Audio to Visual where all of the art has a musical inspiration and a soundtrack to listen to as you view the show. I will keep you updated as it gets closer.

And tonight, The Hot Shops Art Center, where my studio is located, was chosen by The Mutal of Omaha company to host a party in celebration of the company's 150th year in Omaha. That open house is tonight and the turnout is expected to be huge. Especially when you throw in free food and live symphony!! I am excited because the Resident Artist Show also opens there tonight and I have a couple of new paintings up. I have these sideways butterflies....

You see, my secret is that I am waiting any minute now for the Imposter Police to spot me and arrest me for impersonating an artist. Shhhhh. Don't tell my Inner Artist. She will stop painting. Stop loving her art. Just stop. So I will handle the police if they show up tonight. They tried to come in last night while I was sleeping. I told them I was busy counting my toes and to buzz off.

Serendipity Strikes Again!

Walking into the new space that will become my studio, my head is racing with, "How am I going to get all of my stuff here? How am I going to set it up? And put together a show? And start the school year? And heal this body that has stuff going on with it? And get the house repaired?

I stumble on the only object in the room: a small slip of paper. It is a fortune cookie paper that reads:

Your energy returns and you get things done.

I Love the Universal messages that are sure to be only that clear.

The Top Ten

Ahhhhhh. It was so nice to take a pause from the computer. It was a break I so needed. In order to keep current, I have today the top 10 things that happened while I was on holiday. Drum roll, Mr. Letterman!

1. Bad news: I lost my art studio. The building owners shut down the area that houses my workspace to make room for a public events rental. Good news: Another artist in the building asked me to roomate with her in her studio! YEAH! We're moving in August.
2. Bad news: Termites! Good news: The cost is covered!
3. Bad news: I was told by my doctor I have a heart murmur. Good news: I got to see my heart on the cardiogram, and it is cute! I appreciate my body in a new way.
   
4. Bad news: I didn't post for one whole month. Good news: I took a vacation from electronics, and I have never had a better outlook about things. I realize how much flogging happens when I look at too many blogs.
5. Bad news: I was in the car for over 9 hours without radio reception. I thought I would die without music. Good news: I read the book Between Women and had many epiphanies about myself that will only help me in spite of the sting.
6. Bad news: NONE HERE! The family and I took a vacation to Estes Park, Colorado and went to The Rocky Mountain National Park. The air is sweet. The water is cool. And the view from the top of the mountains is amazing. I threw a snowball in July.
   
7. Bad news: It gets cold at night in the mountains. Good news: We got in the hot tub outdoors and hid from the bears!
8. Bad news: My Van was showing signs that it MIGHT be aging. Good news: I got a new car before I could find out!
9. Bad news: Paint was spilled all over my studio floor and carpet. Good news: It was spilled because I taught my first week long art camp for girls and it was fun!
10. Bad news: I am hard on myself and considered not doing the art show in the fall. Good news: I made a list of things I would tell myself if I didn't and that got the ball rolling again. I even sent some emails today to get some things done!
    

Catch You on the Flipside

For the next few weeks some much needed vacation time will be enjoyed here.
I will catch you on the flipside. (How old do you have to be to know what the flipside of a 45 is?)

Tender Tookie

My nickname growing up was Tookie. It is a name I still hold dear, especially when my Hubby and Miniswirl call me that, or when my nieces call me Tookie.

I am not sure why my father started calling me that, and I never had a chance to ask him. But my hypothesis is that the name came from the tookie bird in Hawaii, as the call of the bird sounds like my laugh. The other option is that there is a reformed gang member named Tookie, but that doesn't seem to fit even though I have this rough street side (as I lived in my car for a short while and I can rap like a fierce white girl :0)

But I need to take a moment and honor this little Tookie. She has been feeling strongly lately, and my inner artist needs tender care as well. They play nice together and keep each other company.

And this sculpture project I am working on is a conversation between my old, wise self and my younger selves. I have been calling her up to put parts of her in this artwork, and she is so sweet and in need of nurturing. It is quite the process. I honor her and keep her sacred.

1987

Happy Anniversary, Hubby!

Seeing all of the t-shirts walking around lately have 1987 printed on them, reminds me that this is the year we met and it still feels like just a few days ago. I was instantly ga-ga over you, and I still am.

We have been married for 14 years and together 12 more, and it still is not enough time with you. When we are together, it is as if time doesn't move. We always run out of time to talk, to spend together, and it is seamless.

My eyes still widen and my heart feels faster when I see you. It can be across a parking lot, or after you have made a joke at dinner, or you putting pants on your head to make our daughter laugh, I am so happy to have you as the one I get to build this life with.

Grow Old with You-Adam Sandler from the Wedding Singer I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad Carry you around when your arthritis is bad All i wanna do is grow old with you I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches Build you a fire if the furnace breaks Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you I'll miss you I'll kiss you Give you my coat when you are cold I'll need you I'll feed you Even let ya hold the remote control So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink I could be the man who grows old with you I wanna grow old with you

Emotions Are Not Set in Stone

These faces in my garden remind me that feelings do not have to be permanent. In fact, emotions may not be accurate sometimes. In A New Earth, it was a great lesson for me to learn that emotions are products of interpretation of a situation, maybe not even the situation at all, but the way I view a situation.

And this week my journal writing reminds me that I have parts of me that I am scared to express, rather than being so unhappy like I thought I was. I am not unhappy, just fearful.

So my running my body around a school track is more than symbolic. I am doing the very thing I have always told myself I cannot do...run. I could only run 30seconds at a time at first. And now I am running and walking alternate laps for two miles.

And thinking in terms of The Artist's Way with my other fears, it is imperative that I start slow so that I may gain momentum. I must nurture myself and keep my dreams safe and sacred if I am to grow in them. Did I mention the school track in inset on a hill and surrounded by trees? Safe. And so should be my other dreams.

Chuckle Twice Tuesday

It made perfect sense to me that you could Incorporate something like rehabilitation!!!

A little chuckle fits the occasion...tee-hee.

Another item that made me chuckle is uttering the words "One-Syllable Maffia" when I was describing a person of few words. It's great when you crack yourself up!

What made you laugh today?

Focus on Magic 21

Photo from our San Diego trip last year...sniff sniff.

Today is May 21. I started blogging one year ago. It was just something I felt I should do.
Reading my first entry makes me feel like life is such a wonderful journey.

I have come a long way and done many things through this time.
And this weekend I felt called to saying "Yes" when asked if I would bring art therapy to incarcerated teens from a woman in the workshop I was leading. We will see what happens.

Oddly enough, or not if you believe in serendipity, the woman who I mentioned bought my first painting crossed paths with me this week. She told me that she hung the painting in her bathroom and enjoys it every morning with the same intensity as when she first bought it. She approached me with the sentence, "I don't know if you remember me, but..."
I wanted to tell her I would never forget her face and that day, but I couldn't get out the words.

This is exactly what I needed to happen. I have been pondering the Artist Way's mention of the creative U-turn and giving up my art studio, as rent has gone up. I feel dried up at the end of a school year, and I am nervous about the art show this fall. I want to say just forget all of it, but I know that won't get me anywhere but frustrated with myself.

Deep breath. Focus. There is more work and play to be done. The idea of putting fliers around town to gather an Artist's Way group has crossed my mind. I will just get through this week of school and then think about it some...

No matter what I know that I will be ok. Everything works itself out in the way it is meant to be.

WhEEt-WhOO!

This photo is so funny, and it was just happenstance. That is what makes it so great!

This week has been really hard, and so I have wanted to avoid posting in such a mood. Do I really want to document how hard things have been? Do people really want to hear this stuff, anyways?

The funeral was tolerable. To make a long story short, I felt like a stranger in a room of people that were family. The real clear message I walked away with was that my father grew up in this town of 400 people and moved into a city of 20,000. Then as I grew up and went on my own path, I ended up in a city with over 300,000. The lifestyles, the experiences, thought processes and the growth that happens with all of those things made me feel like I have found the life I was meant to find, and I thank all the choices made by my father. I am sure he would be proud and joyful that his daughter is doing well in this kind of world.

When I asked my journal what I should do to prepare and get through all of this, the answer was to see the blanket of silence that surrounds every event in life. Notice the quiet that exists right over the traffic noise. Notice the quiet over the heads of those who are in mourning. Notice the feeling that you are separate from what you are doing.

I concentrated this whole week to see if I could accomplish that. Oh, 50/50. Not bad.
And I also realize that I need to laugh and play a whole lot more than what I am doing now.

The side effect that I did not ever expect, is that I started running. Yes, that is right. The girl who hates to run started running. Just 60 seconds at a time, but running. I am in awe of this because ever since I can remember, I have avoided running. I even signed up for a three hour aerobic-a-thon, but you could not catch me pounding myself into the pavement via rubber soled shoes!
We will see what comes of this. A miracle worth mentioning.

I am off this morning to teach a body-casting workshop and am in dire need of the Latte.
May the Force be with you.

Happy Mother's Day

Miniswirl's Photo Shoot using her beautiful ideas!

Beginning the day in the shower was symbolic.
The soap made billowing bubbles on my belly.
Normally the window in the shower bothers me, but not today.
The sunlight lit those bubbles into iridescence and reminded me that
my belly is where my daughter began...
That is where I made the choice that my life would be different for hers.

The day was so simple and long and full of love.
I have enjoyed every moment.
I feel fortunate to have my family shower me with love and appreciation.
And the best part is that I was open enough to let it all in.

I called my mom, too. My friend Teri told me once to thank my mom for bringing me into this world. So I did that today.

And I honor all of those people for whom this day is difficult for an array of reasons.
Happy Mother's Day.

It's all a B.S.

Photo by Hubby

Currently, it seems as if my life really isn't happening. This week there have been more events that feel too painful. A student at school stopped breathing and her heart stopped. She is ok now thanks to the collective actions of many people. But the event was scary and made me think about life all over again. Who is important to me? Do I tell them enough?

And there has been another death this week, a family member. My aunt was the only aunt on my father's side that I had any sort of relationship with in the past. My little girl does not want to go back to that town and face all of these family members who forgot I was here after the death of my father. I need to pay respect to her and my cousin, who is all alone. Both of her parents are gone and her only sister died as well. I will attend that funeral early next week. All of my little girl stuff will show up, I'm sure.

And then a separate event, I took a risk and inquired about a local artist support group. They told me with 10 members they were full, but I could keep calling back, as one member will be moving soon@!*^? What? I thought a support group supported each other?

So in steps what I call the B.S. The dreaded Belief System default.

My thoughts instantly revert back to "Am I attracting this stuff? Nobody wants me... there is something wrong with me... if they really loved me they would accept me for who I am now...there is no place for me... I'm doomed to be alone...bla bla bla." These Belief Systems are not true. Just B.S.

So I give myself the 10 minutes of feeling sorry for myself in the shower. I feel sad, angry, lost, and afraid.

And now I am going to honor putting some space around those feelings and allowing them to come up and be near me, and not consume me. One thing I have learned about pain, is that it is what comes before the growth.

I am going to take the B.S. and hold it up to the light and let it dissolve. I am going to do that by taking some time out today. My wish is to go for a long walk with the ipod, get a coffee, and sit in my fold up chair in the middle of the woods with my magic journal. I will make sure to take tissues. If I cry as much as I feel like crying, I might be back by summer. Sometimes it seems like being healthy is so much harder than burying my head in the sand.

So I am going to let my journal do it's thing. I am going to ask open ended questions and wait for answers. This plea for help always provides.

Disentegration-Dos

Back in February, The Disintegration Project began when artists from all over joined Seth Apter and created bundles left in the elements to let nature do what she would like with them.

The way the project was set in motion here was using select papers sewn to a fabric garden flag, and then writing and paint were used to finish the intention of the piece. I treated this piece like a Tibetan Prayer Flag, and placed my wishes on the flag in hopes the wind would carry this prayer around the world. When the flag has broken down, the prayer is heard.

I am shocked to find that after snow storms, a near tornado, many rain showers, that some of the papers remain intact???? These were papers I took from sacred book sources and it may be that there was a coating on these pages. These papers were sewn as well, so the holes would lead to water breaking them down. I am fighting feeling disappointed that it is such a state. I was looking forward to further erosion.

The image of my Dream House did in fact fade away and "melt" some...I guess a house would need to come first on the wish list!

So on to the next phase... everybody who wishes to will create a new artwork using some or all of the disintegrated materials in their bundles. The next reveal planned is for Saturday August 1.

I think I will start a new bundle in motion as well as use parts from the first half.
This is just what I needed to get my mind off of all the heavy stuff going on.

Inspiration

April 23, 2009

behind you...

one from long ago, down on the bike path ~ mamiya 645d

she would often say to me:

"dont forget to take a look back at the trail you are leaving behind..."

is it one of love
is one of bitterness
is one of goodness
is it one of anger?
is it a path filled with adventure
or one caked with fear?
is it a path riddled with regret
or one decorated with peaceful assurance? "

This entry was from Jen Gray. After I read it, I cried my eyes out.

If All Truth Be Told, this last week has been emotionally difficult for me. There was a death of someone I know and it effected me hard. It had me questioning if I can make any difference for the experience of those around me. I wish I would have known what was going on in her head.

I have been angry, and sad and grumpy and quiet.

And then someone asked in casual conversation if they remembered it correctly that I had a not-so-normal childhood? How did I make it out so 'normal'?

The thirteen year old me came running as soon as she heard those words. She wanted this woman I was speaking to to scoop us up in her arms and let us cry it all out....until it ran out.

So when I read Jen's words in her entry, it was the first time I had ever thought about the idea of leaving a trail. When I paused long enough to reflect, I was in awe of my own trail for the first time in my life. I can see that this life I am lucky enough to live is full of wonderment. This life holds so much power that can be harnessed.

If I were to put words around what I see when I look behind, I am leaving a path of bright transformation. I have taken all of the ugly and unfortunate events of my early life and I have walked through thick brush. All of the scratches left behind, I am tending to them. I wrap up the hurtful experiences in love and present that healing is possible. I am in amazement that most of the time, I can forget how awful the first half of my life was. Most of the time I feel happy. And I am learning that it is ok that from time to time, that I still need to mourn. That downtime is necessary to walk this way.

I honor the little girl who lost her father. She switched schools. Lost her friends. Grew up in a house that was filthy and had no food and full of cigarette smoke. Mom was gone looking for men. The phone and electricity was cut off often. She was abused. Neglected. Raped. Left to fend for herself. She covered it all up with doing well in school and working so hard in jobs before and after school. She was successful and no one came to watch school plays, or teacher conferences, or Graduation.

And now that girl uses those experiences everyday dealing with kids and remembering how she felt before she speaks and acts with them. She gives things she did not have to those around her. She makes sure that kids at school who feel all alone know that they are not alone. She even led a lost man to the interstate the other day and saved her lunch for later. That She is Me.

Somehow, I have managed keep going. There is this deep force in me that knows I am here for a reason.

So why is it that I can remember all of the negative things that have been said or done, but I have to strike up a brain freeze for a compliment?I will keep working with this.

I am so grateful to have read Jen's entry, and I am going to make a ritual of looking at my path every evening. I honor that.

A Week, Indeed

This last week has been so full...
The delight of the week was attending an event at a local child abuse intervention center where Miniswirl's art was selected to hang for the next year.

The center uses children's art to help the kids that are brought there feel more at home. It is a place where interviews, medical exams, and police reports are all done when a child is being abused. It gave me great joy to see that Miniswirl's art will be used this way. And it has profound meaning to me considering where I came from, knowing my daughter will not need these kinds of services.

And the best part is that Miniswirl is an artist in her own right. Her art was one of six selected in her school...a tear in Mama's eye bursting with pride! You go, girl!

Then there has been the other faucets to life this week. The school year is coming to a close with 19 days left, and the kid's hormones are crazy and many of them have checked out. The eighth graders are getting their fear of high school and are clingy for the first time all year. It is the time of year that requires so much patience and energy, I come home exhausted. Clean? Cook? Ha!

And then there is the subject of my Mom.
She had an update visit with her doctors this week, and she still has masses on the brain, as well as her lymph nodes and lungs. The way she tells the story, she is in full remission and is "normal". The way the doctor said it is that she still has cancer, and it is not going away. She is still in stage IV.

Even though our past is so hurtful, it is so hard to watch this process.
My heart forgives her, and my inner child wishes so hard for things to be different. But that is not an option for us.

I had her over for dinner last week, and for the first time EVER, she actually put her hand on my back in a loving way. I totally flinched, as my body knows to protect me from her. It was such a time warp trip in my mind. I had an instant flash to all of the times she hit me, or dominated me, and my head did not compute this gesture of love from her.

I felt bad for flinching. And the adult in me recognized that she saw me as the woman of my own home that day. I could tell she saw me as a child all grown up, and a person she has missed out on.

She only stayed about an hour, and then she abruptly excused herself and went home. I think she is doing more processing of life than she is willing to let on. The family motto is "Let's Not Talk About Anything Ever." But I can see through that.

Then there is my art life. I have had a great time making and mailing my art for the Create It Forward project. I am working on two pieces for former students who invited me to their graduations this year ( TOTALLY awesome to see ) and then one black and white drawing for a man who lost his brother three years ago. He wanted a portrait of his brother riding his bike, as he used to ride in marathons.

Next week is Open House at my art studio building. I am not ready and am not going to panic....
And I have to decide this week if I am going to participate in the first Annual Squam Art Show.
Oh, decisions decisions. My head is full.

I am so glad that I can vent on this blog-o-mine, and I thank you kindly if you have read this far!!!!! Even though my life is busy, and I am grateful I have a full one.

Stabilization

The Broken Stabilization Bar in the ol' 1988 Van

A seemingly uneventful day has turned into transformational one.

I noticed a noise in the car and checked it out. And here is the photo of what was found...
the broken bar that keeps the van stable while turning wildly (as if there is ever wild Minivan driving going on hehe)

Hubby looked it up on the internet, and yes the car is still drivable while we wait for the part to get shipped out to us. Huh. No panic involved. Awesome. That's new. A one hour t.v. show kind of solution.

So I sit down for movie-in the mail night. I rented Eckhart Tolle's Flowering of Human Consciousness to boost my Ohmness. And what do I hear?

That the tension I feel lately is caused by the root thought that "I am not enough".
By striving to look for myself in the future, in search of a definition of who I am after I have finally grown enough, or learned all I need to learn, or accomplished something huge, become a part of something big...all of that is robbing me of the peace I could have now.

If I look inside of me for a definition of who I am ( the spritual 'me') that is enough. I don't need to look any further. I don't need all of the other roles in my life for a label to slap on this package.

As soon as that hit me, I felt as if someone pulled the plug out of a stopped up drain. Flow.

Just like my van, I can drive around with a broken stabilization bar just fine and not know. A bumpy, swirvy ride, but I can still get to a destination.

But I think I may enjoy the ride more if there is that brace there to keep me even through it all.

Website Makeover-SB Edition

"Contact Me" image from the new look on the Website.

After a long month of work and revamping, the new website designed by Angelwing Imaging is up and running. I am totally in love.
Not only did we work together well to create a tailored look, but the designer is pretty cute, too.

After 14 years of being married, he still melts me...

Happity-Hoppity Easter

Eggs handmade by my Miniswirl

Happy Easter!

Signs of Spring Evading Electronics

Miniswirl and her best friend were at our house, and they kept telling me how BORED they were.

" Can we play Wii? Can we play on the computer? Can we watch a movie?"

No. No. And No. I said. It is 50 degrees and is going to be the nice day of the week. I told them to get out their jackets and water bottles, and we were going on a Nature Walk.

I took them on a hike. And in the middle of the worn out woods, we saw a blue field of Spring.
Hope has arrived!!! Arrived in a shade of azul!

And then we hiked the rest of the way and found a place to eat lunch.

They collected berries, and flowers, and we saw beavers, and geese...

Nature is where the best entertainment is.

Create it Forward

Brave People Make Things so get excited and make things....

The first five (5) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. Whatcha get is whatcha get.

2. What I create will be just for you, with love.

3. It'll be done this year (2009).

4. I will not give you any clue what it's going to be. It will be something made in the real world and not something cyber. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. Heck, I might bake something for you and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something strange.

6. In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to blog.

7. Send your mailing address - after I contact you.

IMPORTANT: This offer is null and void if I do not see you post your own blog to pay this forward.

This text was used from www.thecreativejar.blogspot.com.
Play nice and make things! It's going to be an adventure!

Within Reach

It can be true that everything I want, I already have.
It is all there, just waiting for me to see, touch, feel, believe...take hold.

I watch.

I listen.

I smile and know the colors I see were made with me in mind.
There is no hurry to gather it all.
Everything has my name on it, and no two souls want to hold the exact same thing.
There is enough to go around.